Murdock loved Thanksgiving. Well, Murdock loved turkey – I love Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday because of its purity. It’s about family and food and taking time to be grateful. It’s not a Hallmark holiday, or one that excludes anyone from celebrating, or one that is anticipated with hustle and bustle and chaos. It’s about wearing comfy clothes, eating too much, and just, being. And of course, turkey.
Thanksgiving was the first holiday I faced after Murdock’s departure. My favorite day, without my favorite boy. It was just the start of a busy holiday season – and the beginning of a lifetime of celebrations I would have to spend without him.
It is difficult to be grateful in the midst of profound loss, let alone facing a holiday set aside for just that purpose. When your everything is gone – it is hard to find anything to give thanks for. Walking through daily life is trying enough; don’t make me have to find gratitude when I can’t even find my way.
It is no secret that as a society, we don’t know how to deal with grief – not in ourselves, and not in others. When a person loses someone they love, we consult the laundry list of “things to say” and pick the most appropriate cliché to fit the situation. It is a faulty laundry list – but thank goodness we have it, because we REALLY don’t know what to say. Loss is intensely personal, the feelings absolutely unique, and we want to fix it – but we can’t. This is especially true when someone loses a furry friend. That list needs a major overhaul.
The tone of many of the things I heard from well-meaning people after Murdock’s loss was one of gratitude. He lived a long, happy life. He was so lucky to have you. You were so lucky to have him. All absolutely true. But in the midst of grief, my soul was screaming. I can’t be grateful, I am not lucky, he is gone. I felt like I was supposed to ignore my sorrow, and smile, and be thankful. And I couldn’t. 14 months later, I still find that difficult – and when I do feel gratitude, it is through tears.
I think that the most effective way to handle grief, in myself and others, is one of the things I most love about Thanksgiving: just be. My most comforting supporters don’t tire of hearing about my loss, they walk this journey next to me, not trying to carry me or rush me or point the way. And, as I have written before, I just let my grief lead. This is how I get to love Murdock now, and that will bring me to gratitude, even if it also brings tears.
That first Thanksgiving, I didn’t create any expectations for myself – I was too exhausted to do so. I didn’t force myself to feel grateful when I couldn’t see past the loss. I didn’t try to smile and look at the bright side, when my world had gone so dark. But like all the Thanksgivings before it, one thing I could do, is just be. And eat turkey.
