Since Murdock left, I have collected quotes and poems as a way for me to attach words to what this loss has meant, as I am often unable to do so myself. One of my findings was the inspiration for this site: “I am lost; you were home,” which remains the most accurate, succinct, perfect explanation of what I feel.

One of the writings that has stayed with me is called “You’re the Ghost.”  It’s first few lines are:

There’s a part of the grieving process where your soul kind of leaves your body too;

As though it’s off searching for the one you lost; somewhere in the ether.

You walk around, doing all the right things, putting one foot in front of the other, living,

But it’s really as though you’re the ghost.

Perhaps you are.

Perhaps your soul searches, until you find the one you miss.

I am the ghost. 

To my surprise, almost immediately after Murdock went to heaven I “resumed” life. I took one day off of work, and then carried on. I kept right on taking care of my home, running errands, completing work tasks, exercising, eating right – it was all so “normal”.  But it wasn’t.  When my best friend’s soul departed, mine did too. It’s probably not noticeable to people in my life, even to those closest to me. But that day my heart broke, my soul escaped, and I have been empty ever since.

I define happiness and joy as two distinct feelings. For me, happiness is a passing laugh or a smile at a neighbor or having fun experiences. Joy is deeper. Joy is contentment; it’s what makes you want to get out of bed in the morning; it is knowing that you are doing what you were meant to do. I have laughed and smiled and had fun since Murdock’s departure – but joy alludes me. Being Murdock’s mom made me content, with the absolute knowledge that I was where I was meant to be – I found my joy. Without him, that joy is lost. I am the ghost.

It struck me how many of us have to live life as ghosts – doing what needs to be done, while our soul is off seeking the one we loved, and lost; forced to carry on without the joy we once had. We can see unhappy – but we can’t see life without meaning. We don’t know what someone is carrying with them – or in this case, what they are missing. I hope that my grief experience helps me to be a better, more empathetic person. Emptiness is such a heavy weight to bear.